people say ‘I love you’ in a lot of different ways
'get some sleep'
'here have my fries'
'Im gonna draw you something'
'yeah i'll buy it for you'
"You’re a disapointment"
"You’re a bitch"
"Yeah i can’t make it to lunch today"
I have a dinosaur colouring book hidden under my mattress because who needs porn when you have a t rex picture that NEEDS to be filled.
So i was sitting there staring into the distance and i thought i heard someone knock, and i have been shot down three times when asking friends to visit in the last two days. So basically i got so excited and then realised it was my house creaking and actually spontaniously burst into tears.
I guess you could say i am a little lonely at the mo.
I don’t know if you have heard or not, but this is my last day at this school. I am finally getting a fresh start, so I am writing to you as my final-ish act.
This brings us back to the somewhat obvious question of: why am I writing this? Well, if I am being entirely honest, as I am trying oh so hard to be, I am writing to you because I don’t really have anything to lose anymore. I have the grand total of zero friends, next to no dignity and most of the general population thinks that I am insane. So I have come to the painful conclusion that silent gratitude has never really been useful to anyone, and when it comes to you grateful doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel. So let me have a go at explaining.
First of all I don’t know if you genuinely don’t remember me but I said some awful things to you on- none other than- facebook. I regret this so much that I cannot even express the weight that it laid on me. I have made so many mistakes and a lot of them have hurt other people but this has got to be in the top ten. You didn’t deserve that. You never have, but I, being the person I was, hated the world and everyone in it, including myself and you. I was so angry and I had no idea where, or how, to let it go, so I took a stupid chance and took it out on you. For this I am so, honest to god, sorry. I really am. And in letting me get out this all-consuming rage you gave me the opportunity that no one else had the capability to give me, the opportunity to get better. After that I slowly learnt to stop. Stop hating, stop being angry, stop letting thoughts that others may or may not be having dictate my every move. You on the other hand did not.
This brings us to now, where the Unspoken History of Things I Regret Doing, had been closed but never forgotten and I see you practically every day and my gratitude for the things you do has not died in the slightest.
To begin with I want to tell you that I have never been able to remember people’s eyes. Yes, I do know a couple here and there but I couldn’t even tell you the colour of my parents’ eyes. This was until I met you. Your eyes are the deepest brown I have ever seen. They seem endless and I can sincerely tell you that I could just loose myself in them forever. And that’s just the thing; you have never given me the chance. You have never given anyone the chance. Not as far as I have seen. You are always looking down with nothing more than the odd glance upwards, and when you do look up it is starring at a fixed point in the distance. It is actually kind of tragic that someone so brilliant tries so hard to remain unseen. Heck, if I could change anything with this letter it wouls be you being confident enough to make eye contact with the people the you pass because I really wish that the rest of the world could see how brilliant your eyes are, the same way I have through stolen glances and – let’s face it – blatant stares.
Now, for my second point I want you to know that I have seen so many amazing things in my life. From towns built on active volcanoes to crystal covered caves, graffiti consumed allies and fragments of the Titanic, you name it and I have probably seem it or something like it. But never, ever, have I seen a sight so breathtaking, so heart stoping or so spectacular as your genuine smile. I swear you light up a whole town with that thing. But there’s a catch, I have also never seen something so rare. Well, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but I’m sure you get what I mean. You honestly have a beautiful smile. In fact, I was living my life thinking I would never do something as horrendously cliché as fall in love with a smile but suddenly BANG! There that thing was. With all of its brilliant hesitance and I fell hard – breaking myself in the process. This is one of the few things I am not grateful to you for, but like a junkie to a dealer, I just can’t stop coming back for more and I don’t know if you just don’t smile or if you just don’t smile around me but I would like to think that this letter has gotten at least one smile out of you. I can smile with that thought in mind.
You know, I don’t think anyone has told you this before, making me a pioneer in the unspoken, so here goes. You are incredibly, unbelievably attractive and skilled guy. The only way your hair could look bad was if you shaved it all off, you are tall and strong and skinny and I honestly think that it is kind of unfair that every guy I know looks like they’ve been hit by a truck compared to you. You are obviously intelligent, as shown by your capability and aptitude that you show in class. So between that damn smile, your astonishing eyes, your looks in general and your smarts there is absolutely nothing holding you back except you. As Tyler Moore said, “You can’t be brave if you have only had wonderful things happen to you.” So be brave damnit. You are worth every single bit of effort that you can spare to look out for yourself. You can and will go anywhere as long as you want to get there and put in the work that I know will be a breeze for someone like you. I believe in you and if I could wish one thing right know I would wish that you did too.
So really, you may think that I am insane or maybe you just think I am heartless, both of which might be true, but as Edgar Allan Poe once said “I was never truly insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.” And though I would adore it if we could find a happy ending to this story, one like the endings I write, I understand that wishing I could write my life is both painful and pointless. Instead I am going to tell you that I wish you a happy ending of you r own and that when I am seventy and surrounded in goldfish in coffee mugs, each named after a detective – the fish not the mugs – I will think back to you and what you meant to me and I will smile with the knowledge that somewhere you found a happy ending. Whether it is in a two story home with the person you love and two point four kids or a million and one goldfish of your own.
And I don’t know, maybe you will think of me, or maybe not. Maybe you will cherish this letter for the rest of forever or maybe you will use it to light your fire in winter. I don’t know and in a way that is so perfect because enlightenment can be scary so I’ll let you live with the knowledge of what becomes of this letter whilst I can take this beautiful uncertainty and do what I do best. Build stories that will give me hope, or crush it out as I lay here. I will whisper my fears to the ceiling, my desires to the walls and my hope to into the light that leaks into my room from under the door, a light that is bound to go off sooner or later.
But for now I will take solace in the thought that was once in a book that I don’t remember the title of: “And if our hands should meet in another dream we shall build a tower in the sky.” So maybe in another time and place we will have our chance but for now this is your chance and I want to tell stories to my future goldfish about the boy I fell hopelessly in love with and how he conquered the barriers he built around himself, taking siege of his own castle and living out his happily ever after in a place far away from where the dragons roamed and wild things played. I want to tell stories of you smiling at strangers and letting them look into your unforgettable eyes and you knowing that you are actually a really intelligent guy who was so capable it wasn’t even funny. I want to recount how I fell for a rose whilst I sat as a forgettable forget- me – not. I want to tell tales of how you found hope, discovering the courage to face each tomorrow the same way a magician finds a coin behinds someone’s ear.
To finish this up I would like to say a phrase that was used be Lemony Snicket at the end of a collection of letters between his deceased beloved and himself. I actually once promised that I would never use it myself for anything that meant less than everything to me.
“As strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives and even when it does it is so easily lost.”
So here’s to your best,
With the sincerest of love,
My mum screamed at me to leave and come back when I was a nice person. one breakdown later and I was spending an hour in the house of a drunk guy I barely know whilst he plays me scot pilgram vs the world songs on his bass and offers up barely concealed innuendos. he then walked me home gave me a hug and told me that he hoped it got better. thank you random drunk guy for giving me the best hour i have had in weeks. you rock.
I recently just built this character who is quickly becoming my favourite non main character. I mean i will always love my other ones but just this one guy.
You see, he is a 19 year old con man who practically oozes charisma. He is also startlingly attractive with dark aurban hair that just kind off gravitates to the left, deep hazel hazel eyes and a tall muscled (but not buff) frame.
But you see the thing i love about this guy is the one thing i didn’t predict as being paart of his personality, i was just writting his description and all i could think was that he hated himself more than anything. This guys mother abbandoned him when he was just a boy, leaving him behind to ‘strart fresh’. he learnt how to con people out of food and spare change, quickly becoming a pro, but despite his appearence and his charm he thinks of himself as a coward and not good enough.
Now he is trying to drink and smoke himself into an early grave despite having several friends who are determined to keep him right where he is.
To me there is something bueatiful abut the fact that such a broken man can still get up each morning. Something inspiring and relateable to how he acts and there is just so much room for him to get somewhere. I am proud if this guy. And i hope that by the end of the book he is as happy as he deserves to be.
Okay so I honestly can’t believe no one has done this yet so here goes. Oh, and there is no particular order.
1. Derek Landy
2. Rick Riorden
4. Colin Thompson
5. Kelly Oram
6. Jonathon Stroud
7. Courtney Summers.
Any I missed?